Non-Birthing Mums and Co-Parents

The problem is recognition, not information

Most pregnancy information is written for a man supporting a woman, which leaves non-birthing mothers, co-parents and other non-birthing parents reading around themselves constantly. Tommy's is one of the few services that names the audience explicitly, addressing dads, partners and non-birthing parents together and covering same-sex partners, co-parents, secondary adoptive parents and surrogacy arrangements.

The practical difficulties reported are consistent, and they are about being seen as a parent rather than about lacking facts.

Being taken seriously in maternity care

Tommy's records what partners tell it: some female partners and surrogate parents do not feel they are taken seriously during labour, and others describe being shut out of the birth room by hospital staff who did not understand their relationship to the birthing person and their baby.

Its practical advice is the most useful thing on this page. Tell the midwife or doctor what language you would prefer them to use to describe your relationship with your partner and your parenting role, and ask them to write this in your partner's notes, so you do not have to repeat yourself to every new professional.

Do it at booking, not at 39 weeks. Ask for it to be recorded in a place that travels with the notes, and check that it has been. If you meet resistance, ask to speak to the midwife in charge or the unit's lead midwife rather than relitigating it with whoever is on shift.

What NICE actually says

The postnatal care guideline is broader than most people assume. It uses the term "partner" to mean the woman's chosen supporter, which "could be the baby's father, the woman's partner, a family member or friend, or anyone who the woman feels supported by or wishes to involve", and notes that many family arrangements exist. It also states that when caring for a baby, those with parental responsibility have the right to be involved in the baby's care if they choose.

That is a useful sentence to be able to quote calmly, because it establishes that you are not a visitor.

Getting on the birth certificate

In England and Wales, GOV.UK is explicit that female couples can include both their names on their child's birth certificate when registering the birth. How you do it depends on your legal situation at the time of treatment.

Where the parents are married or in a civil partnership, GOV.UK states that either parent can register the birth on their own if the mother had a child by donor insemination or fertility treatment and she was married or in a civil partnership at the time of the treatment. Where the couple were not married or in a civil partnership, there is a separate route, and the details matter, so check the current GOV.UK guidance for your circumstances rather than relying on what a friend did.

Two practical points follow. First, the paperwork you complete at a fertility clinic before treatment can determine legal parenthood, so this is a conversation to have with your clinic before conception rather than at the register office. Second, registration deadlines exist, and they differ across the UK and internationally, so check the requirement where you live.

Intrusive questions

Tommy's addresses this head on. People sometimes ask quite personal questions about how your partner became pregnant or who will be "mum" or "dad", often because they are trying to understand a family set-up that is unfamiliar. Its advice is that you and your partner will have your own way of handling this, but that you do not have to answer where there is no medical or legal reason for the question.

Having one prepared sentence helps more than principle does. "We are both her mums" or "we do not go into the details, but thank you for asking" ends most of them without a confrontation. Save the energy for the conversations that affect your child's care.

Your role at the birth is the same role

Nothing about the birth partner's job changes. Tommy's page on speaking up during labour applies without alteration: support your partner's choices, do the research so you can help them weigh options, know what the birth plan says, ask questions when they are too tired or in pain to take information in, take notes so you can repeat things later, and ask to speak to a senior midwife or consultant if you do not think they are being heard.

The same page notes that your partner may want other people present, such as a doula or a family member, and advises not letting ego get in the way, because extra people usually create space for you rather than replacing you.

Your own mental health counts

Non-birthing parents get less attention from services and often less from friends and family, which makes the usual perinatal risks harder to spot. Tommy's notes that dads, partners and non-birthing parents can experience perinatal depression or anxiety, that support is available, and that it is important to tell someone how you are feeling and ask for help.

It also lists trauma routes that specifically affect this group, including feeling sidelined by medical professionals or unsupported as an LGBTQ+ partner during the birth. If that describes your experience, it is a reason to seek help rather than something to absorb.

Where to go for support

Tommy's maintains a hub for dads, partners and non-birthing parents covering pregnancy, birth, the newborn period, relationships, money and work, and it signposts organisations with information for LGBT+ families on starting a family, parental responsibility, adoption, fostering, co-parenting, fertility treatment and surrogacy. The NHS maintains its own list of services and support for parents, covering practical, financial and emotional help.

Your health visitor is also yours, not only your partner's. That is worth saying out loud at the first visit, so the relationship starts on the right footing.